Woot Wine : One Week, One Wine (SM)

Dear sirs and/or madams and/or other:

I am writing to bring to your attention a scandalous loophole in the laws concerning children and alcohol. As you know, Americans can proudly claim some of the most restrictive alcohol laws in the free world. Decrepit failed states like Ireland, France, and China wallow in anarchy and chaos, permitting children to drink at age 18 or even younger. Only the U.S.A. follows the time-tested maxim: “Just because we trust you to fight in a war and vote for the president doesn’t mean we trust you with a glass of wine.”

All well and good…but what about making that wine?

It has come to my attention that one Brian Benson of Paso Robles, California allegedly began making wine at the tender age of 12. As if that weren’t bad enough, he began this illicit activity under the tutelage of his very own father. While I possess no evidence that Brian actually drank any wine, for a child, merely being in the presence of wine is bad enough. Studies show that children who are placed in the same room with alcohol for even ten seconds inevitably become drunks, winos, hobos, punk rockers, pornographers, and Chicago Cubs fans. I can’t remember which studies, but believe me, they were shocking.

While Brian is no longer a juvenile, he continues to flaunt his ill-gained knowledge with his very own Brian Benson Cellars line of wines, begun when he was just 19 years old. Now he is 25, which means his current activities are unfortunately legal. But one taste of his Syrah will prove that there’s no way he could’ve learned this much about winemaking in just four years.

The Brian Benson 2005 Syrah Denner Vineyard scored 90 points from Robert Parker, who called it “an impressive example of full-bodied Syrah possessing terrific minerality”. The previous vintage was also full-bodied and bursting with fruit and berry flavors tempered with a dash of earth and spice. Note, please, that these grapes must have been planted when Mr. Benson was not yet of legal drinking age. While grapes on the vine are not alcoholic, they were clearly planted with alcoholic intent.

Science proves that on a person’s 21st birthday, a tiny switch is thrown in his brain, making him immediately more mature. The scofflaw Brian Benson’s outrageous behavior flies in the face of our reasonable, reality-based alcohol laws, and I demand he be punished. It may not be illegal to make wine before you turn 21, but this case is urgent enough to warrant casting aside our laws. May I suggest putting Brian Benson in stocks in the Paso Robles town square, so the populace can mock and abuse him? It would be for his own good. If we have to destroy our children in order to save them, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Please, won’t you think of the children -

Mildred Gilkey
concerned citizen